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i feel like i’m auto-pilot. that my insides are too stuffed to tell my body what the hell to do. my brain feels like its at war with its self, fighting over every little detail and unable to settle. my heart is cracking with every thought of him, every memory. my body feels like its moving on its own, just going with the flow and out of sync with the rest of the world. what feels like days has only been hours, and what feels like weeks has only been days.
i am at war with myself, pushing myself to feel okay and most of the time i do, i block most of it out and for a while i am able to smile and laugh. but mornings are the worst, because for that split second when i wake up i forget what happened, then it hits me and i lay there feeling like i’ve been knocked out of the universe and am nothing.
things will be okay, i have to believe that. but most of all i have to believe in my decision, that what i did was right and every logical cell in my body agrees with that. but it still hurts, less sometimes when im surrounded by my friends, they help me forget.
i wouldn’t be able to get through this without them.
